Thursday, February 05, 2009

My Life As A Centrefold

I always knew I was destined for greatness and fame. Everynight, I stare out the window of my aircond-less room, waiting to see the wishing star....so that I might say, Star Light, Star Bright, First Star I See Tonight, I wish I may I wish I might.... how did it go? Gepetto wanted Pinocchio to be a real boy, .... but all I asked for was FAME, I WANNA LIVE FOREVER..... [breaking out into an unsightly flashdance like dance]....Oooh, what a feeling...

So, you know when you have arrived, when early in the morning, a friend sms-es you, and says, "Chef FBB, (PHWAHLLAAAAHMAK, don't play play, CHEF sum more), can I order a carton of butterscotch suprise"....
Although I don't recall ever making butterscotch surprise, or any other butterscotch relations, I accepted the fact that somehow, the world had come to recognise me. Who cares how! [Breaking into song again, WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR, MAKES NO DEEEFFRENCE WHO YOU ARE, ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES WILL CUMMMM TOOOO YOUUUUU]

Then, suddenly, as if through a sudden epiphany, and flash of the lightbulb, I remembered where I had come across butterscotch. It was at that New Zealand Ice Cream baking workshop. Which meant he must have seen me in the papers.

I hop and skip into the office, happy as a lark, the way an unemployed thespian may skip around after landing a major role in Grey's Anatomy, ..... and quickly flip through the two english dailies, Star and NST. Sometimes, it's hard to find articles there. So I sms my friend and ask, eh, where did you see the article?

He replies: "Kosmo, malay tabloid"

KOSMO? Aiyo, where to finddddddd la......this is Bangsar lar fren.....

Anyway, who cares what paper I appear in right, as long as its the papers. (okay, maybe I dont want to appear in certain SECTIONS of the paper, namely the back pages, with an outdated passport picture beneath the captions, "Gone home to the Lord"...)

And I get YET ANOTHER sms from another friend, who also saw the article. By this time, my curiosity is piqued, so I prod a bit more. And my friend says, "Yup, your grinning face is in the centrefold". ME, A CENTREFOLD. Woo HOOOOOOO!!!!

That night, at a party, I proudly tell my friends, hey, I'm a centrefold in Kosmo you know.
"Cosmopolitan"?, they reply. "Err, no, Kosmo, with a K.... the Malay tabloid"....
Suffice to say, I did NOT get the celebrity greetings and rush for autographs I was expecting.

Anyway, friend no 2 very kindly offered to send me the article.

So drumroollll, here it is, ..................sandwiched between a full page ad of modern style tudungs,


.....and an article on KEHAMILAN TERANCANG, (Planned Pregnancies), ............



TA DAH, our wonderful New Zealand Natural Ice Cream Baking Workshop!!!!!


40 comments:

thenomadGourmand said...

LOL.funny la u ;)
Hey, ur alrei famous waat..w all that invites to food reviews etc..now more famous lohh, prob HP ringing non stop now? but then again, careful of stalkers ya!

Life for Beginners said...

Tee hee hee. You had me at the "KEHAMILAN TERANCANG"... Never thought I'd ever see those words on your blog, but then again there's a first time for everything, eh? ;)

thule a.k.a leo said...

Yay!! Hip hip hooray!! Somebody's appearing on paper.. why put FBB on your picture?? lol...
now that you have gained fame and recognition.. ur next step will be setting up an outlet...

UnkaLeong said...

I laff until fell of my chair. Hahahaha!

I think it goes a little something like this..

Star Light Star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight

Lyrical Lemongrass said...

Visions of you singing come to mind....with all the expressions too. :-D It's true, I say, and I have the pikchers to prove it.

Congratulations....not many can spread like you.....HUGS.

550ml jar of faith said...

Hahaha, this is one funny post! You'll be glad to know Kosmo's actually one of the highest read Malay dailies in the country, despite the somewhat questionable juxtaposition of content! Congrats all the way! Fame is your name!

Henry Yeo said...

Anyone scanning the chinese papers next?

Tummythoz said...

Lol at kenny mah's & lyrical lemongrass's comments. Bravo Baker Chef!

Bet such title with get u plenty of mysterious hits. Hehe.

qwazymonkey said...

Oh no! does that mean u're gonna be more expensive these days? how lah to afford celebrity chef liddat?

Lianne said...

where is your goddess pose lah?

Eunice said...

haha. i laughed real bad. congrats! i didn't know you were so famous! oh dear me *takes off feet. oops i mean, shoes!*

by the way. this is really weird but just peered at your very revealing profile pikcha and something clicked (it may've been the awesome salad i had, added to the brain food). but did you step into guten braun a couple days back? with a guy with glasses and want to buy chocolate?

oookay. too weird! but worth a shot at the blessed unknown :D

jamesbluntknife said...

wow fbb, this is truly centrefold worthy - you're even covering your chest with your hands!
:)

fatboybakes said...

jamesofoz, hahah, thank you... yes, it wasnt quite by design, the covering of my man boobs.

eunice, glad you were amused! alas, i was not the mysterious gentleman at guten braun.... havent been there in years. actually, thanks for reminding me of that place.

lianne, there might be some underaged readers mah, din want to shock anyone. hows life in good old deustcheland?

fatboybakes said...

qwazy monkey, somehow i doubt that. i've been checking my mailbox and voicemail for the hoards of nonexistent fan mail on a minute basis.

tummythoz, haha, yahor, i didnt think about that title generating hits. drat, where is my hit counter!

henry yeo, hmm, there were ppl from the chinese press there....wonder when the article will appear.

550ml, ah, maybe THAT's why i couldnt find a copy...must be sold out pretty fast hor.

fatboybakes said...

AWOL lalink, if you have the pikchers, then they're no longer visions la...guffor...

unkaleong, you SNAG you.... trust you to know the rhyme.

thule dear chap, aiyo, you dunno meh, i very the shy one leh... still havent displayed my face in full yet after what? 3 years? though i have appeared anonymously on some other flers blogs la. (as in my pikcher)

LFB, why so strange? those days when i first started blogging and announced we were carrying, the heading was "NEW BUN IN OVEN"...which is virtually like KEHAMILAN TERANCANG..

TNG, thanks. alas, tis a fleeting fame....guess its better than a feeting flame...(had a late night losing money last night... so am rambling)...

CUMI & CIKI said...

so, my claim to fame will be that "I once hugged a centerfold.. of Cosmo.. oops sori... Kosmo" :P:P can i hv an autographed copy ... **ahem**

J2Kfm said...

ahhaha .... there was a reporter on the scene? chef FBB, i should've bought a copy of that Kosmo also. dun lah watermark own face!

thule a.k.a leo said...

yeah! I realised that I only see your half face from nose below... but never your eyes...

fatboybakes said...

thule, the eyes are the window to the soul ma. heh heh.

j2kfm, aiyo, there were tons of paparazzi there actually...aside from food bloggers, all these pro-photographers with their large equipment. made our DSLRs look like toys.

ciki, maybe i should have an auction hor....wonder how much i'd fetch...

Life for Beginners said...

A new bun in the oven? Ho ho ho. So when will we see those words emblazoned across your blog again? *hint, hint*

Eunice said...

aiyah you should have named your fatboygym blog fatboyslim!

CUMI & CIKI said...

you missed my point :P

Mrs FOTY said...

THIS has got to be your funniest blog ever!!! I almost spit out my drink! Can just see you break into that song from Fame...

babe_kl said...

aiks din tell me yday so i can get a copy :p congrats on yr first centrefold

mh said...

Well, I did tell you I Google Map your house, and I found it...that says quite a bit on you being famous???? Wahahaahah.....

Well, so the face is no longer a secret now?

Lianne said...

i think everyone will turn underage seeing you in that pose lah.

life here is not bad at all, lots of travelling coz everywhere is within reach and cheap, but weather during winter is pure crap. when you buying me big dinner in deutschland?

fatboybakes said...

lianne, huh? me buy you dinner in deutschland? i not the one earning in yew-rows ya know...

mh, aiyo, can see my face meh? where can?

babe, i believe u are together with me in that centrefold...nudge nudge wink wink...

mrs foty, sigh, this is my funniest blogpost ah? some more its one of the least effort ones... sigh....

duodishes said...

Way to go. :)

FBB said...

duo dishes, haha, actually, its just wishful thinking. its just a collage of pics of participants in the workshop, with no real reference to any names.

ciki, i did? sure or notch?

eunice, yar, that'll be the day, when i can name my gym blog fatboyslim...

LFB, prob in 20 years of so, when the dotter gets married...

Nic (KHKL) said...

"Cosmopolitan"?, they reply. "Err, no, Kosmo, with a K.... the Malay tabloid"

lol! but seriously, u will make it into any magazine, anytime lar, wif your brand of entertaining writing. really one. was telling awol that the tv stations should have more entertaining chefs like u...really one.

and on the kehamilan terancang...wth??? what does a needle-like implant do to mencegah kehamilan. so painful that cannot romen??? omg!!! borrow me that page when we meet, ya! ;D

Simon Seow said...

OMG. I'm fehmes. LOL. Guess non of my friend read Kosmo because I didn't get any text or call about this.

Henry Yeo said...

Still scanning chinese papers...

anyway, need us to chip in and set up a FBB lunch money piggy bank?

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

hahahaha..chef fbb aka star..

when are we expecting a cooking show soon??

Paprika said...

Hahaha. I have a vivid mental picture of you dancing in leotards and headband to "Fame".

Jason said...

Hahaaha... congrats, dear chef! I was almost gonna think that your friend played a prank on you about the Kosmo thing :P

xin said...

so glam lah u!!!!

fatboybakes said...

xin, hahah, glam you think? err...i not so sure if that's my idea of glams...

jason, ya, the thing i knew it couldnt have been a prank, coz only insiders would have known about the butterscotch thing. its a bit like the real figure paid in moolah in toppling the perak garmen....

paps, what would you pay me to actually wear it and post a utube video? or what would you pay me NOT to?

nipples, wait a while more la, till i got boobs like nigella lawson...

fatboybakes said...

henry, its okay, calories are cheap. thanks. chinese paper ah? i am sure the sin chew ppl were there.

simon, you got no malay friends ah? haiya, the young malaysians of today....tsk tsk....

hairy berry, just so i remember, i've kept a copy in my camera bag, which always is around when i see you....
u too kind abt me able to get into any mag la. i not as femes as some ppl, who even give away autographed copies....

Dee said...

LOL
Congrats on the fame! Now if only I knew what you looked like. You're like the neighbour on that tool man whatsit sitcom ;)

Allan Yap & Nigel A. Skelchy said...

WOOO HOOO I knew there was a sex god centrefold in there somewhere. That's why I'm your freeennnnnnnnn ;-)